Present Tense - 4/17

It has been hard wanting to write a post.  A lot has been going on and I've not had time to digest things, much less write about them.  When I last wrote in January, Jessica was toggling between good and bad days.  Well, bad became the overriding mood.  She just about completely stopped all medications and her anxiety deepened.  I practically begged her to just try the meds again.  She said she felt better not being on them, which I have such a hard time understanding because her outward actions seemed to indicate the opposite.  I can only presume that in her mind she felt relief.  Again, externally it seemed the opposite.  She began her pacing rituals again, which I'm not sure I've talked about before, but basically consist of her pacing back and forth while rubbing her hands on her thighs and vocalizing everything she was worried about.  This devolved into her having "thoughts" (which I think are auditory hallucinations but it is hard to know) that she needed to leave to get better.  She started again with how the house we are renting has caused her mental problems.

It is so hard to see her suffer.  I try to reassure her but there is now way to do so.  There is no logic that can convince her that she isn't a bad person who needs to be away from her family.  There is no reasoning that can help her be at ease.

All this culminated with her being hospitalized for a week right before Easter.  She asked me to take her to the hospital, but once there she decided to leave.  I will write the details later, but the police and courts became involved.  Her release was contingent upon her agreeing to take medication and she has been assigned a social worker.

I'd like to say things are looking up now but they aren't. The medication seems to be working in that she is not in an acute phase where she has to leave and all that, but she never feels peace.  She is struggling to continue at her job - but the prospect of her being home alone terrifies her.  She met with her psychiatrist yesterday.  The guy knows nothing about her since she has met him twice in her life and he really only knows her by reading the notes and charts from the hospital. He put her into a tailspin by being incredibly unfeeling towards her, bluntly telling her she would be sick the rest of her life and she should get used to it.  This may be true, but the manner in which he dealt with her, his lack of empathy or sympathy, his imperious demeanor all worked to undermine her.  He was not there to talk to her and help her, he was there to check her med levels and adjust dosages.  It is a terrible excuse for treatment.

Jessica is feeling bleak.  She remembers what is like to be happy and is afraid she never will be again.  She remembers what it is like to fell smart and confident, and worries she will never feel that way again.

I spend my time worrying about her.  Sometimes I feel like I can't do one more day.  I've stopped being able to have friends.  I don't go to any support groups.  I feel so bad for her and yet I can do nothing to help her. I try to keep a lid on all this and protect the kids.  Sometimes it is so hard, but I try to remember there has to be a light at the end of the tunnel.