Housekeeping

Just a note on the organizational structure of the blog.  I've created another page that will have the all of the longer posts that build upon one another.  This way, if you want to read them together you don't have to work your way backwards. It also will come in handy for new readers.

You will notice the link for this page is called,  "Past Tense in Total."

Present Tense - 12/4

One thing I’m worried about with this blog is that through telling my side of the story I’ll sound like some kind of super-supportive saint who is always behaving perfectly instead of just a person dealing with life as best he can.  I don’t always react perfectly or even well to some of the situations that occur.  It can be hard to hold it together.  Over Thanksgiving I did pretty well.  Jessica wasn’t feeling well, I knew this going in, and so I had it in my head that I had to be in control of myself.  I had to keep up whatever front would work to give my sons a happy holiday.  It can be easier to do that for an event – it’s kind of like getting psyched up for the big game. 

Day to day living is harder.  Sometimes I am so angry at Jessica that I want to scream.  I know she is sick, I know she doesn’t want to feel bad, yet I get mad.  I’ve been told this is normal.  People dealing with loved ones who have physical ailments such as cancer often have the same feelings. 

Yesterday was a bad day.  Bad for Jessica -- the night before she once again skipped a dose of Geodon in her off and on quest to be drug free.  This caused her to be unable to sleep and for her anxiety to spike.  It was a bad day for me too.  I was tired because when Jessica can’t sleep she also can’t stop herself from waking me and telling me her fears and concerns.  So, neither of us was in a good place when Jason starting having a tantrum about some school related project.  I threatened to ground him from sports if he didn’t stop, which caused him to storm out of the room.  Jessica was livid with my threat, telling me that my threats didn’t help but only resulted in him escalating his behavior.  At this point I just wanted to run away.  To just leave and never come back and when I walked out of the room Jessica yelled to me, “Please don’t walk away. I need you here with me.”  When she is feeling bad she hates for me to be away from her, even if it is in the next room.  I started losing my temper and told her I couldn’t take being tied to her.  I stomped around like a two year old and slammed a door and said again that I couldn’t take it.  Jessica started crying and I calmed down.  I hugged her and she started telling me how much she didn’t want to feel bad, and that she was scared and while I held her and wanted to help so much of me was still so mad.  I shoved all that anger and frustration back down and put on my game face.  But I’m no saint, I can’t always do this right and some days I know that more than others.